The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
You Might Also Like
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”