The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip