The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
honestly, i need both:
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
❤️❤️❤️
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Doug is just Canadian for dog
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?