the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
my mom making me talk to relatives
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Steam Forums
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
work smarter, not harder
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me