The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Brands during Pride
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Inside you there are two wolves
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Close call…
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer