the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
181.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
This a good idea
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate