The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?


“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup


“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.


Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.


If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.


Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!


I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.