The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.