@Lisabug74

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

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@JPHaddadio

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@dogfather

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

@weinerdog4life

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

@Alex_LaVallee

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.