@Social_Mime When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
@Lisabug74 The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
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@Social_Mime 
@JPHaddadio Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
@bea_ker “It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
@dogfather “I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
@weinerdog4life What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
@Alex_LaVallee Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
@BoomBoomBetty If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
@JohnLyonTweets Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
@RickAaron I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.