The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

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I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards


Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.


I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.


Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠


Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”


I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.