The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.