The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!