The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
You Might Also Like
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus