@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

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@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@AndyrealAl

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

@SmithWit

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@GirlsNoteBook

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.