The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
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Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
rapatouille
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about