The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.