The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.