Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.