The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.