The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
🐕🍷
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.