The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
#Caturday
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
You had me at “define legal”.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Don’t touch that.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
The opposite of goth is stopth.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine