The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…