The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
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He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.