The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
never deleting this app.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”