The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I already tried new things thanks.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok