The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”