The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.