The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.


Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.


At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter


Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit


I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?


if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.


Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls


I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy


1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping


4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.



4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.