The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.