the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.