The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.