The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Day 2 of my diet
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Nose
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches