The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
this post was so formative to me
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!