The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
omg leave her alone
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Worst perfume name ever.