The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief