The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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Seems kinda suspicious
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters