The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
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If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Trying
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient