the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
