The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.