@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

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@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@champagngetaway

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@fro_vo

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

@kashanacauley

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@TuSoonShakur

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

@rambo_dogg

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

@WheelTod

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.