The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
In Canada they just call them geese
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently