the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?