the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.