The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
This hospital has everything
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.