The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
giddy up Office Depot
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
This makes total sense…
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.