The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

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Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?


I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.


Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today


I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk


Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.


I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.


One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.


*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear