The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
This line from Airplane.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
still the best tweet of the year by far
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok