The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Who says great literature is dead?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.