The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
That time Alicia messaged me
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.