The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
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At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Ironic
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.