The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.