THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.