We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?
Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing