The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.