The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”