The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
How funny!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.