The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
You Might Also Like
This week’s mood.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron