The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
it was a valiant fight
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows