The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
![]()
You Might Also Like
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
![]()
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
![]()
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I didn’t realize that was an option
![]()
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.