The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired