The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..