The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’m literally crying
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them