The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Kermit goes Blue.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done