The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”