The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
i now pronounce you bounced.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
You learn something every day
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face